[PSEUDOLUS]
Something familiar,
Something peculiar,
Something for everyone:
A comedy tonight!

Something appealing,
Something appalling,
Something for everyone:
A comedy tonight!

Nothing with kings, nothing with crowns;
Bring on the lovers, liars and clowns!

Old situations,
New complications,
Nothing portentous or polite;
Tragedy tomorrow,
Comedy tonight!

Something convulsive,
Something repulsive,
Something for everyone:
A comedy tonight!

Something aesthetic,
Something frenetic,
Something for everyone:
A comedy tonight!

Nothing with gods, nothing with fate;
Weighty affairs will just have to wait!

Nothing that's formal,
Nothing that's normal,
No recitations to recite;
Open up the curtain:
Comedy Tonight!

Something erratic,
Something dramatic,
Something for everyone:
A comedy tonight!

Frenzy and frolic,
Strictly symbolic,
Something for everyone:
A comedy tonight!

[ENTIRE COMPANY]
Something familiar,
Something peculiar,
Something for everybody:
Comedy tonight!
Something that's gaudy,
Something that's bawdy--

[PSEUDOLUS]
Something for everybawdy!

[ENTIRE COMPANY]
Comedy tonight!

[MILES GLORIOSUS]
Nothing that's grim.

[DOMINA]
Nothing that's Greek.

[PSEUDOLUS]
[Indicating DOMINA:]
She plays Medea later this week.

[WOMEN]
Stunning surprises!

[MEN]
Cunning disguises!

[ALL]
Hundreds of actors out of sight!

[ERRONIUS]
Pantaloons and tunics!

[SENEX]
Courtesans and eunuchs!

[HERO]
Funerals and chases!

[LYCUS]
Baritones and basses!

[PHILIA]
Panderers!

[HERO]
Philanderers!

[HYSTERIUM]
Cupidity!

[MILES]
Timidity!

[LYCUS]
Mistakes!

[ERRONIUS]
Fakes!

[DOMINA]
Rhymes!

[PHILIA]
Crimes!

[PSEUDOLUS]
Tumblers!
Grumblers!
Bumblers!
Fumblers!

[ALL]
No royal curse, no Trojan horse,
And a happy ending, of course!
Goodness and badness,
Panic is madness--
This time it all turns out all right!
Tragedy tomorrow,
Comedy tonight!