I am the drunkest, ugliest girl at the bar
Oh well I'm scheming, and I'm scheming, and I'm scheming, and I'm gonna go far
All the boys, yeah they think I'm a star
Because I'm drinking, and I'm drinking, and I'm drinking, yeah I go pretty hard

I get a pinch on my ass, when I lean on the sill
And then I bent it, and I bent it, and I bent it but not to pick up the bill
My husband's at work, my baby's in a Daewoo sauna
I hold my breath when I check, just to see that she isn't a goner

The little dream sits there, she's like a fly in a jar
Yeah who the hell are they to tell me that I can't leave my kid in the car
I am the goddamn drunkest, ugliest girl at the bar
Yeah who the hell are you to tell me that I can't leave my kid in the car

Yeah who the hell are you to tell me that I can't leave my kid in the car
Yeah who the hell are you to tell me that I can't leave my kid in the car

I am the dumbest, richest guy at the bar
Yeah, well I'd take you for a ride but my girl took the keys to my car
I made a deal over lunch baby, yeah it was worth 15k
I show my teeth when I smile in a real matter-of-fact way

I make so much money, I swear I never get any older
And I don't talk to my brother cause that prick's got a chip on his shoulder
Oh yeah I'm feelin real good, how much for one of those cigars?
I want to breathe like a dragon baby, I cough up burning hot tar

Hey look, I'm cold outta cash, just put it all on my card
Hey, wait but you can't cut it up, my credit rating is five stars
Oh well this place is a joke, yeah who do you think you are
You're talking to the goddamn dumbest, richest guy at the bar