Step back mother fucker got a story to tell
I'm gonna tell it one time so listen up well
It's not a play toy at all it won't come when you call
But it'll make your life a breeze and you'll be having a ball
I said it slices it chops & both your mom and your pops
Will like it, give it to the kids it won't break when it drops
It turns a meal into dinner, if you're a total beginner
You'll be a betty crocker baking cookoff grand prize winner
Tell your friends all about it you know that it will amaze
Cook a meal in a minute when before it took days
It's to good to be true all the things it can do
Turn even boring old standards into something new
It's government approved it passes all the tests
It's better than the baddest the best best of the best
The kitchen magician it's a handsome addition
To any room in the house but always best in the kitchen
As seen on TV it's money back garanteed
Fuck everything else because it's all that you need
It's better than a dog it makes picks from a log
Makes a fine ham sandwich from a hog
It turns your life around, the best thing you've found
It takes a sad sack chef and turns his frown upside down
Its got thousands of uses it turns fruits into juices
It'll make a perfect salad no more need for excuses
It'll grate, it'll peel it'll fine chop your veal
Just give it a try and see how good it can feel
It'll mince your meat, it'll pulverize wheat
You can put it in your freezer cause it's resistant to heat
The kitchen magician it's only $9.99
If your kids get too unruly it'll keep 'em in line
It's not made of wood which should make you feel good
You can lend it to your friends in the neighborhood
It'll cut it'll grate it'll chop up your steak
You can hit it with a hammer and it just won't break
Yeah it's the perfect gift for someone that you love
Compare it to the rest and it's always one step above
It'll relax it prepacks your lunch everyday
It's a miniature marvel, well what more can I say
It cleans itself like magic when you're in the city
It'll clean all your dishes and make your place smell pretty
It gets rid of roaches without any scent
If your a little behind well it'll help with the rent
It's more than an appliance it's remarkably reliant
It won't keep you up at night because it's quieter than silent
It might just change your mood from not good to much better
If your baby hits the road it'll help you forget her