What happens in Dave's house stays in Dave's house,
What happens in Dave's house stays with me.
What happens in Dave's house stays in Dave's house
And if you tell your friends, they won't believe.
What happens in Dave's house stays in Dave's house,
What happens in Dave's house stays unknown.
What happens in Dave's house stays in Dave's house
So now we have a place that we can go.

You can do it in a closet,
But I'm not sure that's the best place
See, you can't lock the doors.
So maybe try and do it
When your girlfriend's sleeping,
Make sure she can't hear you creeping.
Instead build a shed
To facilitate the act,
But if someone sees you,
You might as well pack your
Bags and leave the country.
Run free like a squirrel in an oak tree.

Slowly your appalling technique will improve,
You'll have to move to a new spot
Where not a soul intrudes
Like a bank vault, all you'd need is the keys,
But if a bank robber caught you
He'd call the police.
And then what? Back to the closet?
No, there must be some sick hole we can go
And just do what we do in God's sweet peace
And on a Friday have a coffee and talk about the week.

In the meantime you'll have to settle
For disused petrol stations,
Nature reserves and grandma's basement.
Many blatant signs of nefarious areas,
If you do see a human being
Go somewhere scarier.
I tried it in a hospital one time,
But like a fool I forgot that they're open all the time.
You could travel to a dead relative's old place
And if they really are dead
They'll let you stay a couple days.

After you do it, don't stay put,
Go to the last place people will look for you,
And also don't forget that alibis are important too,
Somebody you trust, never somebody new.
This is the life and there is no solution
Until somebody forms us an institution
Where the me's and the you's and the everybodys
Can go do this shit without having to worry.

What happens in Dave's house stays in Dave's house,
What happens in Dave's house stays with me.
What happens in Dave's house stays in Dave's house
And if you tell your friends, they won't believe.
What happens in Dave's house stays in Dave's house,
What happens in Dave's house stays unknown.
What happens in Dave's house stays in Dave's house
So now we have a place that we can go.

Well you love her,
Been relationshipping for a year
And you're never gonna cheat
So have no fear, my love, it's okay.
I know you had a dream that he was cheating on you,
Don't cry, but please scream.
And a Friday gives you a bronze idea,
To go and see Dave for a chat and a beer.
But oh dear, who's here but that girl you imagined
When you're shaking up yourself to Jasmine and Aladdin fantasies.
You're rubbing, and the lamp's gonna thank you
By showing you the genie, man
But you forgot the tissue.

Anyway Brixham, I mean Dave's town,
Dave, the king pimp, seems to have called you a girl down.
And you love your man Dave,
The beer was free and splendid,
But you kept it pretty distant that you're happily girlfriended.
You try and squeeze it in before the inevitable,
Puts his hand on your balls,
And dips some in some hot sauce
And then orders you a six course meal of unnecessary heart ache,
Too late you already pinched her ass
And told her that she looks great.
You look at Dave and flash him those eyebrows,
The eyebrows that you save
For when you're in need of a way out.

Before you know it you're naked
In the proverbial deep-end.
She likes you numb nuts,
But you forgot about your girlfriend.
Probably sitting at home thinking about you right now,
Quick say you need a pee and just take five minutes out.
You need to call her, to drunk to dial,
A trial but you make it,
Ring ring, no answer,
You're screwed man , it's way too late.
It's comes down to a choice that you've already made,
Cause you're a slave to the power of the red dressed dame.

You need Dave's help, but he's done done enough,
See this was no coincidence,
Dave set this up.
You're angry and you're happy
And you don't know what to say.
Dave whispers in your ear
"You can use my place?"

What happens in Dave's house stays in Dave's house,
What happens in Dave's house stays with me.
What happens in Dave's house stays in Dave's house
And if you tell your friends, they won't believe.
What happens in Dave's house stays in Dave's house,
What happens in Dave's house stays unknown.
What happens in Dave's house stays in Dave's house
So now we have a place that we can go.