I used to drive a racecar, but i won every single time,
I once met the great Elvis Prestley, way back in his prime.
A pilot had a heart attack, yeah so I had to land the plane,
I once saved a little kid from drowndin' [sic]
I invented cellophane.

I used to be a millionaire, I'd drop a thousand bucks a day,
that made all the more lonely, so I threw it all away.
I've lived almost everywhere, probably right in your own neighborhood.
I once broke out of prison,
and I hid out in the woods.

It was there that I discovered a dinosaur, and I drive a blue Corvette.
I once swam clear across Lake Erie, without even getting wet.
Cause I'm the guy who saved the show, cause I knew how to fix a fuse.
Are these pretzels complimentary?
Well I don't mind if I do.

I used to play the guitar myself, till a press crushed my hand.
Have you heard of the great Otis Redding?Well I played in his band.
I once worked as a miner, I was an actor for a little while off in France.
And my uncle's cousin's brother,
taught Fred Astaire to dance*

Cause if you ask me how to Tango, I'll wear down any rug.
Cause have you seen the way those kids all dance today, I swear they're all on drugs.
I could drink me a million drinks, if a million drinks did appear.
But I only got enough,
for one more little beer.

*The version that Danny used to play live, before this song went on
his album Fibsville, originally went:
"Have you ever heard of Winona Ryder,
Well I got in her..."