I had a friend once, it's true, you know
Ooh, not much of a friend in the end
That's how it goes, I suppose
A friend like that or it's enemies, oh no
I never liked him that much
I never heard him say "please"

I had a girlfriend, it's true, you know
Ooh, not much of a friend in the end
She got to go, I suppose
You know, the kind that your friends all love?
I wasn't all that amused, I think I just had enough

I gotta do is to be a better lover, would you stick around with me?
And if all I gotta do is to be a better plumber
Could I break your toilet and sink?
And if all I gotta do is spend my money when I buy milk
Will you stick around with me?
And if all I gotta do is to be more like my brother
Will you still remember me, yeah?

I had a friend once, it's true, you know
Not much of a friend in the end, that's how it goes, I suppose
I had a girlfriend once, it's true
Not that much of a girlfriend in the end, but that's how it goes
I had a toupee, too
Ooh, not much of a toupée, okay?
It never grows, I suppose
The glue is stinging, my head is sore
It was embarrassing, too, when I got stuck to the door

That's all I gotta do is to be a better lover
Would you stick around with me?
And if all I gotta do is to be a better plumber
Could I break your toilet and sink?
And if all I gotta do is spend my money when I buy milk
Could you stick around with me?
And if all I gotta do is to be more like my brother
Would you still remember me, baby?