You may think that Baudelaires ought to prevail

and be tuck some place all safe and sound

Count Olaf captured and rotting in jail

his henchpeople nowhere around

But there's no happy endings, not here and not now

This tale is all sorrows and woes

You dream that justice and peace win the day

that's not how the story goes

You might think that two parents, both brave and both true

would live till a nice ripe old age

But I'm sad to say, I have bad news for you

the curtain rings down on the stage

Yes, there's no happy endings, not here and not now

This tale is all sorrows and woes

You might dream that justice and peace win the day

but that's not how the story goes

I once loved a girl, and she thought well of me

We thought we'd be happy together

But now I'm alone, as you can well see

and she's cold in her grave forever

'Cause no happy ending, not here and not now

This tale is all sorrows and woes

You might dream that justice and peace win the day

but that's not how the story goes

The world is a pair of ill fitting pants

and other dire hideous clothes

You may think that three children would lead pleasant lives

but that's not how the story goes

Some people smile at the end of the day

Some people laugh, I suppose

But to me, there's nothing but gloom and despair

that's just how the story goes

That's just how the story... (Mr. Poe coughing)

(Sunny whistling)