You may think that Baudelaires ought to prevail
and be tuck some place all safe and sound
Count Olaf captured and rotting in jail
his henchpeople nowhere around

But there's no happy endings, not here and not now
This tale is all sorrows and woes
You dream that justice and peace win the day
that's not how the story goes

You might think that two parents, both brave and both true
would live till a nice ripe old age
But I'm sad to say, I have bad news for you
the curtain rings down on the stage

Yes, there's no happy endings, not here and not now
This tale is all sorrows and woes
You might dream that justice and peace win the day
but that's not how the story goes

I once loved a girl, and she thought well of me
We thought we'd be happy together
But now I'm alone, as you can well see
and she's cold in her grave forever

'Cause no happy ending, not here and not now
This tale is all sorrows and woes
You might dream that justice and peace win the day
but that's not how the story goes

The world is a pair of ill fitting pants
and other dire hideous clothes
You may think that three children would lead pleasant lives
but that's not how the story goes

Some people smile at the end of the day
Some people laugh, I suppose
But to me, there's nothing but gloom and despair
that's just how the story goes

That's just how the story... (Mr. Poe coughing)

(Sunny whistling)