My friend Harvey married Tracey McColl
by Christ, she was a scary ol' doll
A voice out of hell and with a temper to boot
Arms like a navvy and a face like dried fruit

I bumped into Harvey back home last year
Says I to him, "Do you want to go for a beer?"
"No! Me sister's French husband is over," says he
"I've been sent to get snails to impress him for tea."

"I was down in the snail shop she told me to go
I'm a little bit late because the business was slow...
If I'm not home by six, I'll surely be done
The missus will kill me, Let's just go for the one!"

the one, the one, don't go for the one.
Don't go for the one, for the one, for the one
the one, the one, don't go for the one.
Don't go for the one, for the one, for the one

For the one went down fast the second did too
Three of four followed 't was a fine how do you do!
Harvey looked at his watch and shrieked out with fright
It was twenty past ten, we'd been drinking all night!

Well cursing my name, he sped cross the floor
Clutching the snails he ran out the door
"I'm a dead man!" he said "I'm drunk and I'm late!"
As he tore down the road and up to his gate

the one, the one, don't go for the one.
Don't go for the one, for the one, for the one
the one, the one, don't go for the one.
Don't go for the one, for the one, for the one

Well he opened the gate and he ran down the path
for he knew he was in for the dragon's wrath
But he tripped and he fell and up in the air
went the bag and with the snails flying everywhere

Hearing the noise she kicked open the door
Snails and Harvey were spread cross the floor
“You're three hours late!!” she screamed, as loud as she could
“What's your excuse? This had better be good!”
Well he looks down at the snails and with a confident air
He says “Five more feet lads, we're nearly there.”

the one, the one, don't go for the one.
Don't go for the one, for the one, for the one
the one, the one, don't go for the one.
Don't go for the one, for the one, for the one