(spoken)
Morning Reg, meat and two veg? He done him with a ten-pound sledge, he done himself a favour Crash!

Forty-year old housewife Mrs Elizabeth Walk of Lambeth Walk
Had a husband who was jubblified with only half a stalk
So she had a Milk of Magnesia and curry powder sandwich, half a pound of uncut pork
Took an overdose of Omo, this made the neighbours talk

(spoken)
Could have been watching Frankie Vaughn on the telly and giving herself a scratch

(Chorus)
This is what we find (x 4)
A sense of humour is required, amongst the bacon rind

(spoken)
Hello Brian, wash and iron? Try it on, it's only nylon

Single batchelor with little dog Tony Green of Turnham Green
Said 'who's a clever boy then girl, now you know whom I mean'
For the mongrel laid a cable in the sandpit of the playground of the park where they had been
And with a bit of tissue, he wiped its bumhole clean

(spoken)
A bit of claggy on the waggy

(Chorus)
This is what we find (x4)
They must have had a funny time, on the Golden Hind

(spoken, reverb)
O vanitas vanitatum, which of us is happy in his life
Which of us has our desire, or having it, is gratified

(spoken)
Hello Mrs Wood, this boy looks familiar, they used to call him Robin Hood.
Now he's Robin fucking shit cunt

Home improvement expert Harold Hill of Harold Hill
Of Do-It-Yourself dexterity, and double glazing skill
Came home to find another gentleman's kippers in the grill
So he sanded off his winkle with his Black and Decker drill

(Chorus)
This is what we find (x4)
The hope that springs eternal, springs right up your behind!
This is what we find (repeat to fade)