Hello little Timmy
I have your Christmas list
Here in my sack is your every wish
You want a new dirt-bike & a jet-ski
Love & safety for your family
Timmy, you're so thoughtful
Omg

That's why you need a

Gun!
Cuz you need to protect your family Timmy
People are out to kill you gun!
If you love them like you say you do
This is the gift for you gun!
The only way to stop bad guys with guns
Is good guys with Guns!
And you're a good guy, Timmy
So you need one!

Hello little Sarah
You seem like a sweet girl
Thank you for the cookies
Your baking is
Nuts!
I see on your list
You like education
Brand new backpack and a calculator
I think school is great, don't get me wrong
But Sarah
Books will not protect you from a

Gun!
Cuz your classmates are fucking crazy
And all of them have guns
That's why I bought you an Ak for your safety
So you'll never have to run gun!
Your great, great, great grandfather died so you could have one
Gun!
If you don't like freedom you can get on a boat back to England!

Hello little Jamie
What a lovely first name
Are you a boy or a girl?
How androgynous!
It says that you want tickets to the cinema
I wouldn't recommend that without a

Sniper!
Cuz these lunatics hate movies
Cuz they never had a date night
Sniper!
Sit in the very back row please
Watch the movie through the scope!

Hello little Teddy
You have a house to defend
I give you man's best friend

Rifle!
Rifle!
Rifle!
Riffle

Mommy, you get an uzi
Daddy, you get a Glock
Grandma, it's a cold war outside
You better bundle up