Tom Cruise is so in love with Katie
At least all his people tell him so
And while he thinks that she's a very special lady
It's probably not the way he'd choose to go

But a lifetime of longing looks would cause too much distraction
Good thing that he's not gay anymore

Tom Cruise is Tom Cruise crazy
Just be glad it's him, not you
If you had Tom Cruise's troubles
You might be Tom Cruise crazy, too
You'd flash your big white shiny smile
And buy expensive shoes
But you'd be the only man on Earth who couldn't enjoy Tom Cruise, oh no
You couldn't enjoy Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise is always getting older
He knows he'll never be that young again
And when Tom Cruise looks back over his shoulder
He sees a thousand younger leading men

He knows someday he'll have to play
An old, retarded grandpa
While someone younger plays his sexy son

Tom Cruise is Tom Cruise crazy
Just be glad it's him, not you
If you had Tom Cruise's troubles
You might be Tom Cruise crazy, too
You'd flash your big white shiny smile
And buy expensive shoes
But you'd be the only man on Earth who couldn't enjoy Tom Cruise, oh no
You couldn't enjoy Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise hopes somewhere there's a place for him
Because he's not of this world anymore

Somewhere in some secluded castle
Poor Tom Cruise sits staring at the wall
And the outside world is always such a hassle
Sometimes he won't go out at all

There are millions who know his name
Everybody loves him
Why is it that he feels so alone?

Tom Cruise is Tom Cruise crazy
Just be glad it's him, not you
If you had Tom Cruise's troubles
You might be Tom Cruise crazy, too
You'd flash your big white shiny smile
And buy expensive shoes
But you'd be the only man on Earth who couldn't enjoy Tom Cruise, oh no
You couldn't enjoy Tom Cruise