Oh, I wish I was a doctor,
Not a barroom troubador,
I wish I had an office
On the forty-second floor,
Where ladies in the anteroom,
So stylish and so pert,
All wait their turn
To tell me where they hurt.
Oh, Doctor, hold my hand.

Oh, Doctor, I ache all over.
Oh, Doctor, you're so nice
And you give such good advice,
I don't even mind the price
'Cause you're so grand.
Oh, Doctor, hold my hand.

Oh, Doctor, you're so sweet,
With you on call a sickness is a treat.
It could be psychosomatic,
Caused by birdies in my attic,
Still you make it so dramatic, I expand.
Oh, Doctor, hold my hand.

Oh, Doctor, I'm off my feed,
I can hardly eat but three poor meals a day.
I'd get back my appetite
If you'd feed me day and night,
Then I might endure a bite of something bland.
Oh, Doctor, hold my hand.

Oh, Doctor, I'm not well,
Oh, Doctor, I've got a fever,
It could be a mild infection
That requires an injection--
Streptomycin's what I mean, you understand.
Oh, Doctor, hold my hand.

Oh, Doctor, your pills are just too cute.
I really don't know what I'd do without them.
Some are scented with vanilla,
I just keep them on my pilla,
Or I wear them for a necklace on a band.
Oh, Doctor, hold my hand.

Oh, Doctor, write me a prescription,
A little billet-doux from you to me.
Call me back another day,
I get well when I'm away;
It's so boring being healthy, strong and tanned.
Oh, Doctor, hold my hand.

Oh, Doctor, I'm just low.
Oh, Doctor, I need attention.
If you think I need diversion,
I could take a nice excursion
Where the AMA convention's being planned,
Cause I love to have a doctor hold my hand.