I'm sitting on the back of the football bus
All the lads are wearing shorts and shin pads
Talkin' 'bout the game they're gonna win this afternoon
And all this display of masculinity
Well it's making me feel a bit nauseous
So I close my eyes and I pray it'll be over soon

Now I have never functioned well at a competitive sport
I just can't find the fun
And besides, I'm far too paranoid
About the way I look when I run!

So I sit here combing my hair
Trying my hardest not to stare
But it's getting cold out
Then the whistle blows

I will never be captain, but I will be king
And I'm gonna achieve the most wonderful things
That don't involve playing football in the rain
I will never be one of the lads in the team
But I'll conquer the system and fight for my dreams
And I don't know if I could ever win
But I'm gonna be the best there's ever been

Now johnny is the head of our football team
He always boasts to his friends about women
I wonder if he'd carry on that way
If I told them all the places we'd been in
And johnny struts around on the football pitch
With an arrogant smirk on his face
But he wears a smile of a different kind
When he comes to stay over at my place!

And I'll sit there combing my hair
While he's taking off his underwear
And it's getting warmer
'til the whistle blows

And johnny is captain and johnny is king
And his parents are hoping for wonderful things
That don't involve him screwing 'round with me
(they don't want him screwing 'round with me)
And johnny's the best-looking lad on the team
All the guys want to be him, he's "every girl's dream"
And no, I don't think I will ever win
But I'm gonna be the best there's ever been

I'm sitting on the back of the football bus
And I wonder... will it ever change?