He’s a No Exit “G” in the place to be,
he goes to Stanford University.
And since Kindergarten he acquired knowledge,
and after twelve grade he went straight to college.

Well Tom’s a pop culture primate with the IQ of a fetus,
social IQ twenty-five; you know that I mean this.
Between his DVD’s clogged arteries and MP3’s,
he’s got this antisocial mental brain disease.
And I want to break him out, want to show him the world.
Want to get him blazed, want to get him a girl.
Want to take him camping down in Ventana.
Want to enlighten him, like the Dalai Llama.
He’d otherwise never known the beauty to be seen
beyond his flat-panel PC LCD screen.
But would he care if I took him by the hand,
planned on a trip to Brain-Expansion Land?
I don’t mean to be a pushy REI creep,
but you’ll thank me when you’re chilling six feet deep
and the worms crawl in and the worms crawl out
and the worms play PS2 on your snout.
No doubt, what I’m about is helping you,
to lively up yourself like Marley would do. ,br>And we’re picking up more people as we go,
introverted sad humans, no internal glow.
We’ve got to keep driving, cars out of our way!
I’ve got nascent cargo here on life’s highway.
As precious as small birds straight out the shell,
check the chorus, the metaphor explains itself well.

CHORUS
Make way for ducklings,
make way for these introverted ducklings.
Make way for ducklings;
soon they’ll be existentialist heroes.

Okay quiz time now that our trip is done,
you all grew socially, learned and had fun. Question one,
“You’re in class with a hottie named Sue,
and one day she walks in and sits next to you.
Her shirt says ‘the Sopranos,’ and you dig that show,
there might be a connection between you two,” so,
do you (A) say, “Hey, I like your shirt,”
(B) look away, outside at the dirt,
(C) send her an e-mail, later that day, with a link to a fan site you think is okay, or
(D) make a joke about HBO’s
popular, uncensored mafia shows,
and catch Sue’s attention with your cultured wit,
working it like Matt Groening works it.
Well the answer is (D), obviously,
negative points if you said (B) or (C).
Next question, “Let’s say you’re a dad with two small kids,
and you’re chilling on vacation like your own family did.
And you go to Boston, because it’s fun,
and you go to the park and walk or run.
And then you see some birds, walking past,
not too slow or not too fast.”
Do you (A) say, “Kids! Check it out,
these birds are mobile, without a doubt,”
or (B) say nothing and be like, “Whatever,
I’ve seen cooked birds that look better,”
or (C) toss the birds some candy or fish,
well the answer is (D), and (D) is this:

CHORUS
Make way for ducklings,
make way for those migrating ducklings.
Make way for ducklings;
because now you’re an existentialist hero.

Shout outs to Tomohawk,
shout outs to the Moonies.
Truck Records is in effect.
Shout outs to you,
thank you for listening to this song.