I, Bill Cotton, was the entertainment king I ruled without hate or malice And now that I'm on trial I recall no crime But I remember Alexandra Palace When I started there I was a teenager But not like they are today, all anoraks and acne My face was polka dotted but my popular demotic Went down dandy, setting the house on fire Till Adolf's rockets described their arcs And brought the old place down But speaking seriously ever since then my aim has been To entertain the Mother-in-Law
I was everybody's drunken brother-in-law But my wedding reception roses were microphones And when the table was cleared and the dishes were done They gathered round their master's voice in every home Then crackling Berlin and Hilversum and Rome Gave way to a Cockney twang With the timing of a jazz age genius I remember those religious broadcasting blokes Used to stop me right on Portland Place And quote me right to my face 'In the land of the blind the winking man is king' But speaking seriously ever since then my aim has been To entertain the Mother-in-Law
Then in the years that followed the war I was moved from razzmatazz to administration They say we've all got a cross to bear Mine was the task of altering An eavesdropping to a voyeuristic nation Well I never met Logie Baird but from what I've hear That man was a smash hit at parties If you asked him to describe TV He immediately dropped to his knees And mechanically scanned the carpets In 240 lines, or was it 405? Well never mind, they were punchlines every one But speaking seriously ever since then my aim has been To entertain the mother-in-law
To cut a long story short I ended up in court With the entire cast of the Black and White Minstrel Show (There must be a million or more) So tell me where have I seen these pearly gates? Where have I heard that title before? 'The Day of Judgement' - must be cable or Channel Four But when I'm introduced I can't believe my ears I stand accused of blasphemy And making graven idols And for the first time in my life (Although I realise I'm dead) I laugh my head off when I'm fed My ultimate punch line My five-minute call for the eternal show time 'The devil is the mother of my wife' But speaking seriously ever since then my aim has been To entertain the mother-in-law
Compositor: Nicholas John Currie ECAD: Obra #7809998