There once was a psychiatrist
Who said "You can't go on like this!
You can't go on pretending
That you're seventeen years old!"
I said to that psychiatrist
"There's one important thing you missed
I know I'm not the only one
Who's out there having lots of fun
Go shrink somebody else's head
And get your mind out of my bed
I'll grow up on my own eventually"
But if I was a gambling man, I wouldn't bet on me

So then I came upon a guy
From Generation X or Y or Z
Or maybe he was even Generation A
He said, "Old man, what's wrong with you?
Behaving like you're 22
Can your poor body stand the shock
Of being up past 8:00?"
I said, "You're right, I'm sorry son,
Fun is only for the young
I'll slowly creep into senility."
I'll grow up on my own eventually"
But if I was a gambling man, I wouldn't bet on me

I wouldn't bet on me to do what you'd expect
'Cos I don't even know what I'll be up to next
I wouldn't bet on me to do the things I should
I wouldn't bet on me - the odds aren't very good

There once was an accountant who
Said keep your money close to you
Or else the taxman's gonna come and take all away
I said to that accountant, then
That every dime I have I spend
I like to buy some odds and ends
And give the rest to all my friends
Whatever's left I like to give
To all my penniless relatives
Now they're the ones who live in luxury
So you see, I'm not a gambling man - I never bet on me

Once I had a lover
Who said "What the hell's come over you?
I just can't get you off me
And I'm getting kind of tired"
I said "It's for the love you - I just can't get enough of you
I think about you night and day - I'm obsessed in every way
Your eyes, your lips, your face, your toes
I touch you once and true love grows
I'll try to find the strength to leave you be"
But if I was a gambling man, I wouldn't bet on me"