Once a year we celebrate,
With stupid hats and plastic plates,
The fact that you were able to make
Another trip around the sun.
And the whole clan gathers ‘round,
And gifts and laughter do abound.
And we let out a joyful sound
And sing that stupid song.

Happy birthday!
Now you’re one year older.
Happy birthday!
Your life still isn’t over.
Happy birthday!
You did not accomplish much.
But you didn’t die this year, I guess that’s good enough.

So let’s drink to your fading health,
And hope you don’t remind yourself,
Your chance of finding fame and wealth,
Decrease with every year.
‘Cause if you feel you’re doing laps,
And eating food and taking naps,
And hoping that someday perhaps
Your life may hold some cheer.

Happy birthday!
What have you done that matters?
Happy birthday!
You’re starting to get fatter.
Happy birthday!
It’s downhill from now on.
Try not to remind yourself your best years are all gone.

If cryogenics were all free,
Then you could live like Walt Disney.
And live for all eternity,
inside a block of ice.
But instead your time is set.
This is the only life you get.
And though it hasn’t ended yet,
Sometimes you wish it might.

Happy birthday!
You wish you had more money.
Happy birthday!
Your life’s so sad it’s funny.
Happy birthday!
How much more can you take?
But your friends are hungry, so just cut the stupid cake.

Happy birthday!
Happy birthday!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Dear… [names]