Please won't someone take me home?
Please I've had too much

I only came here for a pint and now I'm starting on my ninth
That wouldn't be so bad
but she's just turned up, the one I've worshipped from afar

How was I to know she'd walk in with her mates?
How was I to know that she would look so great?
How was I to know I'd figure now's the time?
How was I to know I'd try to make her mine?

Please won't someone stop me now?
Please I've had too much

I only want to ask her out, but the words
just won't come out
She's looking at me like she's trodden in me
And all her mates are laughing too

How was I to know she'd think I was a fool?
How was I to know that she'd sneer and call me tool?
How was I to know I'd end up such a mess?
How was I to know I'd be sick on her dress?

How was I to know her girlfriend would arrive?
How was I to know that she was six feet five?
How was I to know she'd think I'd got a chick?
How was I to know I'd end up losing teeth?