Even the devil was an angel
Before he tried to rush the throne
Lord, they threw him down in hell there all alone
And now he builds a castle out of the sinners' bones
You'd be angry too if you could never go home

Well now, I ain't no preacher, no preacher man's son
I done some bad things but I like to have my fun
A thousand ways to heaven, a thousand ways to hell
Well I say, the good Lord helps those that help themselves
So help yourselves now

Old man Nicodemus could not make his heart believe
He could see that Jesus had some tricks up his sleeve
Said now, Oh man, Jesus I can't do things your way
But I can see you work with somebody big
So I'm backing your play

Old man Nicodemus, his pockets they were deep
But on the day the Romans decided to put Jesus to sleep
Jesus could not care for money now or any such thing
Old Nicodemus paid to have Jesus just buried like a king

Well now, I ain't no preacher, no preacher man's son
I done some bad things but I like to have my fun
A thousand ways to heaven, a thousand ways to hell
Well I say, the good Lord helps those that help themselves
So help yourselves now

Our father art in heaven hallowed be thy name
Told Noah "build a boat" on the driest of days
And everybody in the neighborhood
Said old Noah was insane
I guess when the waters receded now, the truth was plain

Well now, I ain't no preacher, no preacher man's son
I done some bad things but I like to have my fun
A thousand ways to heaven, a thousand ways to hell
Well I say, the good Lord helps those that help themselves
So help yourselves now

Moses was a great man, parted the waters of the Red Sea
Down the road to Egypt, he made sure the slaves were free
Well he could speak to God, so they say, yes indeed
Well the noise of his voice
Would have made our poor ears bleed

Moses, he had an army I tell you all his own
They stood in circles outside his very home
And when the the Pharaohs
Got to killing they left old moses alone
But the Romans drove their nails
through old Jesus' bones

Well now, I ain't no preacher, no preacher man's son
I done some bad things but I like to have my fun
Why they got Jesus now and not Moses, who can tell?
But they do say, the good Lord
Helps those that help themselves
So help yourselves now