Part i : the lesson


Master: approach student, close the circle at the feet of the master. you
Have come to me asking that i be your guide along the path of tae kwon
Leap. but, be warned: to learn its ways, you must learn the ways of your
Own soul. let us meditate on this wisdom now. so: ohhhhmmmmm...

Student1 (ed gruberman): uh, sir! sir! (oo!, oo!) sir!

Master: who disturbs our meditation, as a pebble disturbs the stillness of
The pond?

Eg: me! ed gruberman!

Master: e-ed gruberman.

Eg: yeah, uh, no disrespect or nuthin', but, uh, how long is this gonna take?

Master: tae kwon leap is not a path to a door, but a road leading
Forever towards the horizon.

Eg: so like, what, an hour or so?

Master: no, no, we have not even begun upon the path. ed gruberman, you
Must learn patience.

Eg: yeah yeah yeah, patience. how long will that take?

Master: time has no meaning. to a true student, a year is as a day.

Eg: a year??? i wanna beat people up right now! i got the pajamas! yah
Yah yah hwoom!

Master: 'beat people up'...

Eg: yeah! just show me all those nifty moves so i can start trashing
Bozos! that's all i came here for! yo asta sta sta!!! pretty good, ey?

Master: the only use of tae kwon leap is self-defense. do you know who
Said that? ki lo ni, the great teacher.

Eg: yeah? well the best defense is a good offense, you know who said
That? mel, the cook on 'alice'.

Master: tae kwon leap is the wine of purity, not the vinegar of
Hostility. meditate upon this truth with us. ohmmmmmm.....

Eg: listen, shrimp! now are you gonna show me some fancy moves, or am i
Gonna start wipin' the walls with you?

Master: ed gruberman, you fail to grasp tae kwon leap. approach me that
You might see.

Eg: all right! finally some action!

Master: observe closely, class. boot to the head! (sh-zoomp!)

Eg (drunkenly): owww! you booted me in the head!

Master: you are lucky, ed gruberman. few novices experience so much of
Tae kwon leap so soon.

Eg (quietly, to himself): ow, oh, my head!

Master: now we continue. ohhhmmmmm...

Eg: hey! i wasn't ready! come and get me now shorty, hah? come on, are
Ya chicken?

Master: boot to the head! (sh-zoomp!)

Eg (again, drunkenly): oww! okay, now i'm ready, okay, now, come on, try it
Now.

Master: boot to the head! (sh-zoomp!)

Eg: mind if i just lie down here for a minute?

Master: now class, we shall return to our..

Student2: master?

Master: it is wrong to tip the vessel of knowledge, student.

Student2: many apologies, master. but i feel ed gruberman is not wholly wrong.

Master: what do you mean?

Student2: i want to boot some head, too.

Master: have you learned nothing from the lesson of ed gruberman?

Student2: yes, master. i have learned two things. first, that anger
Is a weapon only to one's opponent.

Master: very good.

Student2: and secondly, get in the first shot. boot to the head. (sh-zoomp!)

Master: you missed.

Student2: yeah. well...

Master: you too shall be honored to learn a lesson...

Student2: you don't have to, you know. i gotta be going...

Master: boot to the head! (sh-zoomp!)

Student2 (agonizing pain): oyyy oy oyyyy.... oh....

Master: can anyone tell us what lesson has been learned here?

Student3: yes, master. not a single one of us could defeat you.

Master: you gain wisdom, child.

Student3: so we'll hafta gang up on ya! get 'im guys!

(master throws many boot-to-the-head's and sh-zoomp's, and people are groaning
In pain)

Master: and now class, let us rejoin the mind to the body and gaze into
The heart of the candle of meditation.

Unison: ohhhmmmm....

Master: very good, class.



Part ii : the song


Yi yi yai yi....

People talking in movie shows,
People smoking in bed!
People voting republican,
Give them a boot to the head!

Boot to the head! yah, yah...
Boot to the head! yah, yah...
Boot to the head! yah, yah...
Boot to the head! yah yah yah.. yah. yah yah yah...

Mechanics who can't fix a car,
Politicians who can't think!
The salesman who won't leave me alone,
The waiter who forgot my drink!

(refrain)
Boot to the head! yah, yah..
Boot to the head! yah, yah..
Boot to the head! yah, yah..
Boot to the head