My name's Dante and how are you?
I have a singing telegram, and it's just for you
Your Mom's alright, and your Dad's ok
Your Brother's in jail, and your Sister is gay

But where are you at in the scheme if things?
I just found out I lost my wedding ring

Woah!

STOP

My name is Randall and how are you?
I have a singing telegram, and it's just for you
I got your letter and it made me sad
Why have things turned out so bad?

I found your ring, it was in the sink
The garbage thing smashed it up I think

Woah!

STOP!

My name is Jay and who the fuck are you?
I have a singing telegram and it's just for you
Both you Clerks can suck my dick
That restraining order fucking made me sick

How is life with that Kaitlin chick?
I heard she rode some dead dudes dick

Woah! (3x)

STOP!