Right! Hand me down that bottle of tequila from the shelf
I'll have a beer to follow & all, here take one for yerself
I've been off the piss for ten long years & I've a bloody thirst
And I won't be leavin' here until you carry me feet first

'Til I've tripped over the speakers
& I've fallen through the band
And told the chubby bouncer 'geeza
shout if ye need a hand! '
I'm screamin o'er the bar & I'm spittin' in yer ear
And signin' wi' my hands for ya to geez another beer

Me old ball & chain is in a shallow grave
So hit me, one, two, - one two three four!
I don't have to suffer anymore

'Til I've kicked shit out yer jukebox & broken all yer darts
& Talked the friggin ears off my reflection in the glass
I've spewed all down the front o' me
& pissed all down me leg
And I'm propped up in the corner like a fuckin' rusty keg

'Til I'm snorin' like a chainsaw & I'm layin there catchin' flies
And you ye cheeky bugger pops two pennies in me eyes
"God love ye and protect ye
get yer knees up missus brown
She's topped her flamin' hubby
& she's torn up half the town! "