I know that the Romans came after the Greeks;
I went to a lecture to hear Robert Hughes speak -
I am honoured, cultured, literate - and yet
All of my life I've had one main regret.

I wish I'd slept with more girls;
I wish I'd had more sex;
I wish my wife had'a sucked my dick.

They told me the yobbos would turn out no good -
I did my homework, they turned into hoods -
I have a family. I am happy and proud.
I said no to anything I wasn't allowed.

I wish I'd done more drugs;
I wish I'd snorted coke;
I wish I had taken the risk.

The Angel of Death hovers overhead.
My family, come, gather 'round the bed;
Come my colleagues, come literate friends.
Here is my last wish, as my life ends.

I wish you'd written my books;
I wish you'd married my wife;
I wish you owned my home;

I wish my thoughts were yours;
I wish my life weren't mine;
I wish you'd never known me at all;

I wish you'd take my place;
I wish it were you lying here;
I wish you'd all get fucked.