BLANK PAPER (Hunter)
Hey, little guy! Why so blue?

JEFF
Well, Blank Paper,
I’m trying to write a musical in two and a half weeks and I’m a little stuck.

BLANK PAPER
Well, mother fucker,
why don’t I give you a crash coarse on how to go from a piece of blank paper to a full-tilt,
boogie, original musical.

JEFF
Huh… Wow! An original musical!

BLANK PAPER
That’s right cracker.
Now there aren’t many of us around and it’s a long journey, so lets get started.

JEFF
Did you just call me a cracker? Are you being black?

BLANK PAPER
Mother Fucker, I can be anything you want me to be, that’s the point.

JEFF
Oh, so you’re saying that I want you to be black?

BLANK PAPER
Shut your face.

An original musical
Original musical
Those other shows can step to the rear
If you lend me your ear
I’m gonna ease all your fear
And tell you all you need is what’s right up here

JEFF/ BLANK PAPER
I can’t decide if you’re trying to be Ben Vereen or/ Shh-conk, shh-conk, shh-conk
Randy Newman./ Pah, Pah, Pa…

BLANK PAPER
Shut up. You see, a lot of times musicals are based on books like the Scarlet Pimpernel or Lestat.
And other times they’re based on plays like Picnic, which became Hot September.
But, more recently, musicals have been based on movies like My Favorite Year,
Footloose, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, Big, Saturday Night Fever, the Wedding Singer,
the Full Monty, the Producers… (inhales) Thoroughly Modern Millie,
Hairspray, Beauty and the Beast, Billy Elliot, Spamalot…

JEFF
Wow! So movies make good musicals?

BLANK PAPER
Well they make musicals.

JEFF
Huh.
Well, I’m trying to write a musical about two guys writing a musical
about two guys writing a musical.

BLANK PAPER
Ooo… that sounds like some crazy shit, bitch.
But it’s original and I like that. Sing with me!

JEFF
Okay!

BOTH
An original musical
Original musical

JEFF
Like Kwamina

BLANK PAPER
And Starlight Express

JEFF
My show could be a success

BLANK PAPER
And not a big mess
Like Chess

JEFF
And I’ll make Broadway my eternal address

BLANK PAPER
Oh! Easy, Mother Fucker. Broadway?
Let’s start with off or off-off and then you can think about the Great White Way.

JEFF
But, why can’t I dream big?

BLANK PAPER
Well, if it was a jukebox musical, a revival, or a recognizable commodity,
I’d say dream away, bee-otch. But, original?
On Broadway? Baby, that is risky! Unless you got some stars in mind.

JEFF
Well, we’d love to have Alice Ripley, she’s fierce. Hey!
That’s the first time I’ve ever said the word fierce. That’s the second!

BLANK PAPER
Player, I mean TV stars, pop stars, movie stars like Tony Braxton and Jenna Elfman.

JEFF
But, I want our show to be good!

BLANK PAPER
You want your ass to make some money!

JEFF
But, I believe that a good product with talented people is the way to go!
Hiring some talent-free celebrity just lowers the
bar and I think audiences deserve better!

BLANK PAPER
Wee-waw, wee-waw, waw, waaaww… shit.
Audiences want to see Paris Hilton in the Apple Tree.

JEFF
Who wants to see Paris Hilton in the Apple Tree?

BLANK PAPER
I don’t know, a lot of people. Fuck, your ass is crazy Mother Fucker.
But, I fucking like you and you may just be fucking
crazy enough to fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck succeed, fucking, fucking, Mother Fucker.

JEFF
Ow-o-ow! What’s with all the fowl language?
Is that appropriate or even necessary?

BLANK PAPER
I’m blank paper, your blank paper, make me say something else.
I’ll say whatever you want me to, just put your pen to the
paper and write.

JEFF
Okay! I will! I will! I’ll write!

BLANK PAPER
Now we’re talking!

BOTH
Write that original musical
Original musical
Original in every way

BLANK PAPER
Ooo!

JEFF
It won’t be based on a play
Or a movie…

BLANK PAPER
I pray
That Jesus Christ will help you get to Broadway
And you can thank him in you bio someday

JEFF
Wow. People thank Jesus in their bio?

BLANK PAPER
People thank their agents, their casts, and Jesus Christ.

Even though they might be Mormon and gay

JEFF
So, some Mormons are gay?

BLANK PAPER
Sure! Didn’t you ever see the national tour of 1776?

Oh, yeah!
Aha-ha!