he piano has been drinking

my necktie is asleep

and the combo went back to New York

the jukebox has to take a leak

and the carpet needs a haircut

and the spotlight looks like a prison break

cause the telephone's out of cigarettes

and the balcony's on the make

and the piano has been drinking

the piano has been drinking...

and the menus are all freezing

and the lightman's blind in one eye

and he can't see out of the other

and the piano-tuner's got a hearing aid

and he showed up with his mother

and the piano has been drinking

the piano has been drinking

cause the bouncer is a Sumo wrestler

cream puff casper milk toast

and the owner is a mental midget

with the I.Q. of a fencepost

cause the piano has been drinking

the piano has been drinking...

and you can't find your waitress

with a Geiger counter

And she hates you and your friends

and you just can't get served

without her

and the box-office is drooling

and the bar stools are on fire

and the newspapers were fooling

and the ash-trays have retired

the piano has been drinking

the piano has been drinking

The piano has been drinking

not me, not me, not me, not me, not me