Have you ever traveled far
To some dazzy little bar
To see your favorite drag queen on the stage
And she's dancin' and she's workin'
And she's got the twinks all twerkin'
And she's rubbing up against the go-go cage
Then you see that queen start bendin'
For the perfect death drop endin'
And you're just about to tip the girl a buck
When the club becomes a wreck
'Cause out slips her bishop in a turtleneck (Oh, my!)
And it could have been prevented
With just... the perfect... tuck

Since some of you are still having problems
I'm gonna teach you the perfect tuck now
It's kinda my thing
Here we go

For the perfect tuck, you'll need some spray adhesive
Give a little spritz to both your front and back
Put some paper tissue there, just below your derriere
With your junk pulled distinctly to your crack (Sorry, mom!)

Some clear vinyl tape should do quite nicely
To give that meaty tuck a helpin' hand
At least three strips is wise, dependin' on your size
From taquito to el chalupa grand (See, that's Spanish!)

Now go and get your sturdy tuckin' panties
The ones that look like hell and smell much worse
Get those straps around your thighs as you pull 'em to the skies
'Til your tuck's so tight, it makes you want to curse (Mother *beep*)

A little airbrush spray to hide the razor burn and welts
And your perfect tuck is finally in the groove
You can dance and you can stun, but it's gonna take a ton
Of industrial-strength cleanser to remove

Now where you once said "what the tuck? "
Now you've got some tuckin' luck
It's just a tip to save ya
To hide what God done gave ya
The perfect tuck to keep your junk away
I can't sing, but you get the point
Go tuck yourself