I don't do crack
I've never seen cocaine
And fortunately
I rarely pop
An Aspirin when in pain
'Cause I wanna be
Of alcohol of any drug at all
Completely free
But I self-medicate with tea

I know just where
To go to get my fix
The beverage aisle
At Starbucks, I confess, I get my kicks
I'm not in denial

My Oolong heals
Your dealer deals for
Quite a hefty fee
So I self-medicate with tea

It's not that I'm
not miserable as any odd drunk
My life is no more
Bearable than any old junkie
I'd jump out of a window
Suicide is a sin though

I've found another way
There's no amount
I wouldn't pay
To overdose on Earl Gray
Or English breakfast

When I'm hopped up
On caffeinated Chai
I'm feeling the buzz
And when you asked
If I liked to get high
I already was
It's black or green or in-between
Sometimes it looks like weed

But my self-medicating
Improves my mental stating
I don't need to go to rehab
Or to set up to a mental lab
I may be a cynie
But the Betty Ford clinie
Isn't ever gonna break
From my habit of choice

It's my opium, my Xanax
And it's good for my voice
I hope you
Comprehend my reasoning
Twinings, Liptons
Even Celestial Seasonings
Keep your marijuana
I got my own remedy
I self-self-medicate with tea

Boom!
It's chamomile
Yeah!