Twelve sticks lined up, all labeled with a marker

But deep down, I knew the lines weren't getting darker

But I obsessed, I bought more tests

The faintest line is still a yes, I hoped

And I had this realistic dream where I held you in my arms

And I don't know why

but I convinced myself that dreams were signs from God

And that you were fine, I see a line

And you'd be mine in nine months time, I hoped

The doctor said it's early

He called you chemical, and that pissed me off

And everything went blurry

I shut the lights and curled up in a ball

Sure, you were small

But you had a name, I ordered little shoes

You had a daddy who watched about a

million YouTubes on how to swaddle you

We told the family that you were coming soon

You had a fuzzy blue monkey that used to

be mommy's that was waiting here for you

And just like that

I had to say goodbye to you in an airport bathroom

In an airport bathroom

All I could think about is why did this even happen?

Was there something wrong? Was it all my fault?

Now someone's asking, "Are you pregnant? Are you trying? "

Don't start crying, don't start crying, don't make it weird

But once I started smiling

my husband finally let himself cry

'Cause our DNA made DNA and we were mom

and dad for a moment in time

You were more than a line

You had a name, I ordered little shoes

You had a daddy who watched about a

million YouTubes on how to swaddle you

We told the family that you were coming soon

You had a fuzzy blue monkey that used to

be mommy's that was waiting here for you

And just like that

I had to say goodbye to you in an airport bathroom

In a fucking airport bathroom

Seventeen months later

I found myself back in that same bathroom

And I looked in the mirror with a baby in my arms

And I thought of you, and how someday soon

We'll meet again in a better place

That's when I'll hear a little voice say

"Mama, I've been waiting for you

And we were so much bigger than an airport bathroom"