By: Steve Goodman
1975
Uh this hotel room's gotta lotta stuff
Laundry bag and a shoe shine cloth
Thirty two hangers and a touch tone phone
Well a light that comes on when I ain't home

I ain't home
I ain't home
You better leave a message 'cause
I ain't home

They got an air conditioner for when I'm hot
A radiator for when I'm not
Two big chairs sittin' side by side
With a holy bible and the TV Guide

TV Guide
The TV Guide
Great God Almighty
It's the TV Guide

I gotta second story view from curb to curb
I gotta sign that reads "Do Not Disturb"
A monogrammed towel and a bucket of ice
A chest of drawers and a mirror that lies

Mirror that lies
A mirror that lies
That couldn't be me
In the gorilla disguise

They got a room service menu for food and drink
A porcelain throne and an aluminum sink
Two big pillows to rest my head
A Magic Fingers and a king-size bed

Put in a quarter
Turn out the light
Magic Fingers makes ya feel alright

Uh feel alright
Feel alright
Magic Fingers makes you feel alright

Uh this ol' hotel's all right with me
They pay the postage if you lose the key
This hotel room's gotta lot of stuff
But I do believe I've had enough

Called my baby said don't you pout
I'm packin' my bags and I'm checkin' out
Just as soon as you hang up the telephone
Stick a candle in the window I'm comin' home

Comin' home
Uh comin' home
Stick a candle in the window
I'm comin' home

Whoa comin' home
Comin' home
Stick a candle in the window
I'm comin' home

-- Spoken: "Thank you boys"