When Karl and his sister united me in their tribe

I felt a strength in numbers embolding my shyness

I laughed at other people

At their bodies, at their hair

I became the vicious girl parroting her despair

And one day cold as calculation, Karl went too far

Intentional in his hurting, physical in his war

To the shyest one of all of us

The tenderest lonely heart

I watched in horror, helpless, silent

The moment passed me, gone

Flying to the world tour, twenty-five and free

With condescending attitudes, from British men in cliques

When I imbibed too much Schnapps one night, in a Swiss hotel

One tour manager felt this was the green light

pressed me down

On the bed, by my surprise, dick and tongue pressed hard

What a sad excuse of a man, thinking this is what one does

Showing him out with deep disdain I kept the truth concealed

Cutting myself off from my own feelings

I kept on in silent hurt

My introversion in the kitchen

thirty years past, amongst the Moms

I don’t share with them my secrets

Staying safe from all their gossip

Their husbands in the parlor, huddled close together

Palpable discomfort when I join them in their circle

Looking for a conversation I listen to them speak

Jockeying one-upmanship, subconscious insecurity

I add my twenty cents to the room—how flatly it does land

Unaccustomed to a woman of mind

They want to conquer me instead

“Hush, child!

”—I hear my great grandmother whisper in my mind

It remains as relevant today here amongst this boring party

I don’t know where I stand

I go rogue, go quiet quicksand

Folding into myself, losing voice, to a moment passed again

Absorbing painful lessons, standing on my ground

I advocate, I’m blue in the face

I’m the leader of the crowd

But inside I’m the coward, still the little girl

Bystanding in my silence next to Karl bullying her

For nothing is so simple, the bully is the weak

Afraid to be tormented, tormenting for pre-empting

For Karl yearned for Father, for love, for attention

He acted out the monster inside his lonely hurting

There is never enough love, there is never enough listening

There is never enough of our mothers

to give us all we’re missing

I took on the silence, mandated by generations

But no more shall I be the mute and deaf and dumb submissive