You're walking in the woods
There's no one around
And your phone is dead
Out of the corner of your eye you spot him
Shia Labeouf

He's following you
About 30 feet back
He gets down on all fours and breaks into a sprint
He's gaining on you!
Shia Labeouf

You're looking for your car
But you're all turned around
He's almost upon you now
And you can see there's blood on his face!
My god, there's blood everywhere!

Running for your life
(From Shia Labeouf)
He's brandishing a knife
(It's Shia Labeouf)
Lurking in the shadows
Hollywood superstar Shia Labeouf
Living in the woods
(Shia Labeouf)
Killing for sport
(Shia Labeouf)
Eating all the bodies
Actual cannibal Shia Labeouf

Now it's dark and you seem to have lost him
But you're hopelessly lost yourself
Stranded with a murderer
You creep silently through the underbrush
A-ha! In the distance
A small cottage with a light on
Hope!
You move stealthily toward it
But your leg! Ah! It's caught in a bear trap!

Gnawing off your leg
(Quiet, quiet)
Limping toward the cottage
(Quiet, quiet)
Now you're on the doorstep
Sitting inside, Shia Labeouf
Sharpening an axe
(Shia Labeouf)
But he doesn't hear you enter
(Shia Labeouf)
You're sneaking up behind him
Strangling superstar Shia Labeouf
Fighting for your life with Shia Labeouf
Wrestling a knife from Shia Labeouf
Stab it in his kidney
Safe at last from Shia Labeouf

You limp into the dark woods
Blood oozing from your stump leg
But you have won
You have beaten Shia Labeouf

Wait! He isn't dead, Shia surprise!
There's a gun to your head
And death in his eyes
But you can do Jiu Jitsu
Body slam superstar Shia Labeouf
Legendary fight with Shia Labeouf
Normal Tuesday night for Shia Labeouf
You try to swing an axe at Shia Labeouf
But blood is draining fast from your stump leg

He's dodging every swipe, he parries to the left
You counter to the right, you catch him in the neck
You're chopping off his head now
You have just decapitated Shia Labeouf

His head topples to the floor, expressionless
You fall to your knees and catch your breath
You're finally safe from Shia Labeouf