Hermaphrodite

She’s part girl, she’s part boy
She’s got parts everyone can enjoy
She’s got more, she’s got less
She’s got her man hood tucked in her dress

Is she a mister, or is she a miss
Does she stand up while she’s taking a piss?
She’s my little girl (yeah) she’s my little guy
When I try to please her I get poked in the eye

She wears lace and she wears flannel
She watches football and the lifetime channel
What’s that bulge under her nighty, it must be hermaphrodite

Some things are white, some things are black
Some girls wear make up, mine shaves her back
She is still beautiful, she is still fine
It’s too bad her package is bigger then mine

She can’t help her imperfection
She gets jockage from her yeast infection
Who stole all my tight whities, it must be hermaphrodite
YEAHHHHHHHHHHH!
Hermaphrodite



If I Were Gay

Here we are, dear old friend
You and I, drunk again.
Laughs have been had, and tears have been shed
Maybe the whiskey's gone to my head, but
If I were gay, I would give you my heart
And if I were gay, you'd be my work of art.
If I were gay, we would swim in romance
But I'm not gay
So get your hand out of my pants.
It's not that I don't care (I do)
I just don't see myself in you.
Another time, another scene
I'd be right behind you
if you know what I mean.
'Cause if I were gay, I would give you my soul
If I were gay, I would give you my whole...being(get it?)
If I were gay, we would tear down the walls.
But I'm not gay
So won't you stop cupping my...hand
We've never hugged, we've never kissed
I've never been intimate with your fist
You have opened brand new doors
So get over here and drop your drawers.



Special Fred

When I was a boy of 10
I had a very best friend
Fred was kind with good content
But just a little different

Special Fred
Momma dropped him on his head
Now he’s not so bright instead
He’s a little bit special
Just a little bit

We’d play tag and he’d get hurt
I played soldiers, he’d eat dirt
I liked math and a spelling bee
Fred liked talking to a tree

Special Fred
Momma dropped him on his head
Now she keeps him in the shed
Cause he’s a little bit special
Just a little bit

I ran track, hung out at malls
Fred ran head first into walls
I had girls and lots of clothes
Fred had names for all his toes

Special Fred
Momma dropped him on his head
Now he thinks he’s a piece of bread
Cause he’s a little bit special
Just a little bit

One day while talking to Special Fred
He took a brick and swung at my head
And as he laughed at that’s when I knew
That Special Fred made me special too

Now I laugh as I count bugs
I give strangers great big hugs
Next to me, Fred us fine
Yeah, he’s a f*cking Einstein

Special Fred and me
Now we’re not right in the head, you see
Now we’re not so bright instead
We’re a little bit special
Just a little bit special



Superhero

If I could be a superhero I would be Awesome Man
Flying around the world fighting crime
According to my awesome plan
And if I saw criminals trying to lie
Hurting other people and making them cry
I’d haul them off to jail in my awesome van
Cause I would be Awesome Man

If I could be a superhero I would be Drug-Free Boy
Telling the world of the evils of drugs and all of the lives they’ve destroyed
Well I’d take all the junky he’s getting so high
With their needles and bongs and their sticks made of Thai
As I burned them alive I would squeal with joy
Cause I would be Drug-Free Boy

If I could be a superhero I would be Immigration Dude
I’d send all the foreigners back to their homes
For eating up all of our food
And taking our welfare and best jobs to boot
Like landscaping dishwashing and picking our fruit
I’d pass a lot of laws to get rid of their brood
Cause I would be Immigration Dude

If I could be a superhero would you be Justice Guy
Making sure people get what they deserve
Especially women who lie
Like if a wife left her husband with two kids and no job
To run off to f*ucking Hawaii with some doctor named Bob
You could skin them and drain them of blood so they die… Especially Bob
Then you would be Justice Guy

Or you could be more subtle, I didn’t mean to be vague
Give her the mad cow disease, let him die of the plague
As long as they suffer for their terrible lies… Especially Bob
Then you would be Justice Guy

Yes then you would be
A superhero like meeeee



Taxi Driver

I flagged him down at the corner and he picked me up at the light
I told him where I was going and we drove off into the night

“How’s it going, my friend?” I asked him
Slowly he turned his head
The taxi driver looked at me and this is what he said:
Arabian Gibberish



Lullaby (That’s Why Mommy Left Us)

Hush little girl, sweet sweet baby don’t cry tonight
Daddy is here and he’ll sing you a soft lullaby tonight
Why can’t it all be like it was before
How can I explain why mommy’s not here anymore

Cause Daddy likes porno and ten dollar whores
Daddy gets wasted and robs liquor stores
Daddy likes rubbing against little boys on the bus
I think that’s why your mommy left us

Hush little girl, there is no reason to fret tonight
Don’t mind the smoke daddy just wants to forget… tonight
Soon it will all be like it was before
Any minute she will walk through that front door

But daddy plays poker and drinks lots of beer
Then he wants sex that involves mommy’s rear
Daddy has sores on his genitals oozing with pus
I think that’s why your mommy left us

Please don’t cry
I swear I’ll try
To be here by
Your side

Right after daddy gets home from the bar
Visits his booky and steals a new car
He’ll drive to the strip club and if daddy plays his cards right
He’ll bring home your new mommy tonight
LA LA LA LA LA LA