(Heaton/Rotheray)
They say always use a condom, I say always use a whip
They say be careful where you come at night, I just shoot straight from the hip
When it comes to loves great fountain, I won't just take a sip
I'll swallow and I'll gulp until the fountain makes me sick

So it's me left with the baby and disease
You can't say you didn't want it on your hands and on your knees
You made me feel so special
Well you were especially good
I'm sorry that you misunderstood

These neatly folded corduroys hide rubber underneath
But the only rubber you have worn is that useless rubber sheath
I won't have what I've got for you stolen by no thief
'Cause the safest sex I've ever had was hanging from a tree

So you've left me for another pretty face
That's not true I left you for one half the human race
Now I'm by myself
A woman who knows her place
It's not so much the chase, it's the race

They say treat her like a lady and she'll treat you like her jewels
They say cruel to be kind, I just say cruel to be cruel
They say only marry once, I say only marry fools
They wouldn't have made the cane if you weren't meant to break the rules

Have you told them that you'll hurt them then be gone?
I've told them that I'll hurt them if that really turns them on
You left a bitter scar
I tied those ropes too tight!
I'll tie them loose for you tonight

When I told you that I loved you
I meant mini-correct
When I said I'd never leave you
I meant mini-correct
A ring around your finger, a chain around your neck
That was major correct