I remember the rosary, the Catechism, and the stations
of the cross,
the plenary indulgence and i know it isn't this.
Depression and nightmares and panic through and
through.
Although i have been successful, there is always more
to do.
There are many things i know i have done to help me to
survive,
but i will never tell anyone as long as i am alive.
It seems at times there is no way out, not any to
escape,
because of abuse and turmoil and trauma and of rape.
I feel eyes upon me every minute of the day,
hiding all around me, i turn my head away.
I've seen them in my bedroom when i am exhausted and
done.
I've been seeing them for years, but i've never told
anyone.
I am walking into doors and walls 'cause i am not all
there.
I've split from a reality, of what i didn't want to
share.
I can tune out conversations and with what the outside
world is.
Then sex just didn't matter in my relationships.
You can't rely on feelings when love and trust is
first betrayed.
I enter sexual situations, i didn't even want to make.
'Cause i was anxious, i was bored, or any non-sexual
need.
When abuse is matched with affection or protection it
misleads.
I say, "Drop what you do and listen, 'cause now it's
me that calls the shots."
This is the sign of a life out of control adults.
I sometimes drink to oblivion, in spite of what i
know.
I sometimes create chaos anywhere i go.
Always anxious, always have to move to help me to
forget feelings
of little value or humiliation yet.
Because there was no one there for me, i expect people
to leave.
So, i repeatedly test them and this is what you've
done to me.
I know they way i've overworked myself has turned out
positively
and that many other people don't have my
opportunities,
but goodness, yeah, you can make it.
You are well on your way to heal,
because you already know it, and you already know the
deal.
You are not alone, this is sadism, and this is not
your fault.
And who would choose to live through this, so it is
not yours at all,
and you know this was given to you,
so let's put it out of your home
and you know that this is not yours, and you are not
alone.