Hello
Welcome to my show
I’m glad that you could come
We’re gonna have a hoot
We’re gonna have some fun

Sit back
Put your feet up and relax
I hope you’ve had a drink or three
The more you’ve drunk
The better I will be

And if you have a mobile phone
Please turn it off
…
Thank you

And if you have Tourette’s syndrome
Just do whatever it is you people do

And if you are offended by strong language or blasphemy
Maybe you should chuff off home
Cos it’s only gonna get worse
Only gonna get worse
Only gonna get worse
From now on
…
Cunt

My name is Tim
I write funny songs and sing
And if you don’t think funny songs are funny
Well I respect your right
To think exactly what you like
But you’re sure as shit not getting back your money

And if you write for a newspaper I’d just like to say
That I read your publication every single day
And I agree with absolutely everything you say
I think you’re the most perspicacious and delightful, eloquent, insightful writer
Writing on the subject of the arts
But if you write a bad review
I promise you I’ll come round to your house
And lay turds in all your potted indoor plants
I’ll lay turds!
In all your plants!
Your indoor plants!
Your potted indoor plants!

Hello
Welcome to my show
I’m glad you all could come
It’s time for a little audience participation
Sing, “yeah”
Sing, “yeah”
Sing, “ooo yeah”
Sing, “I am an audience member”
“Why are you making me sing”
“You self indulgent wanker”
“Just get on with the fucking show”