My people rang me up a coupla weeks ago,
(yeah I've got people, and a phone, and a grasp on the passage of time)
Yeah they rang me up, said, “tim, will you go on ruth jones' show?”
They want you to sing a song, it'll be fine, fine, fine.

But the problem with my particular oeuvre
Is that half my songs are five minutes and over
And the wisdom here at the bbc
Is that viewers switch off if you go past three

And a lot of my songs have a bit of bad language
Which causes the viewers untold anguish
It seems their tolerance for smuttiness is reserved
For pussy puns on are you being served?

And so I…

Need a song that only goes for three minutes
Without no bums nor blasphemy in it
A lovely little song specifically written
For the delicate skin of middle-class britain

I need a song with a chorus and a verse
Without no nasty-ass cussin and a-cursin
I'm a little too lewd and a little too long
I gotta find myself a three minute song

And they said
Remember boy that music is like love-making:
It's simply self-indulgent to take it past 3 minutes.
Remember boy that music is like love-making:
Everybody loves a pianist, but length must have a limit.

So you

Need a song that only goes for three minutes
Without no pornography or politics in it
You're a little verbose and a little bit wrong
You gotta find yourself a clean-livin, three minute song

300 beats at 100 beats a minute
With nice clean jokes and a hoedown in it.
Something for the telly that never ever fails
To appease the viewers of bbc wales

And even in the bridge
I won't be lyrically adventurous
Intellectually unmentionous
Or racially contentious
And I won't make double entendres at the expense of the chinese
For china is a country that can bring me to my knees
For china (×4)
For china is a cunt-ry, that will bring us to our knees.

Ooh mr humphries, my pussy is all wet.

Two, three, four (skin)

I need a little happy clappy country song
Nice and repetitive and not too long
Boring enough but not too boring
With a key change here to prevent me snoring

I need a song that is only three minutes
Without no buggery or blasphemy in it
Something with a pleasing rhyme and rhythm
Well if you can't beat ‘em, get conservative with ‘em

Solo

I need a song that causes no offense
To flog more tickets to my concerts
By convincing the viewer that musical satire
Hasn't progressed since victor borger
You've got a telly and I wanna be in it
And apparently you'll only watch for 3 minutes
Yeah apparently you'll only watch for 3..