Jesus was a Jewish philosopher
Had a lot of nice ideas
About our existential fears
Much admired by his peers

Short and Jewish and quite political
Often hesitant and very analytical

Praise be to Jesus
Praise be to Woody Allen Jesus
Woody...Allen...Jesus!

Jesus was a great entertainer
Doing cools tricks all of the time
Turn water into wine
Make stormy weather fine

Even now his stunts confound us
Kind of did what Derren Brown does

Praise be to Jesus
Praise be to Magic Woody Allen Jesus
Magic...Woody...Allen...Jesus!

Jesus died but then came back to life
So the Holy Bible said
Kind of like in Dawn of Dead
Like a film by Silmon Pegg

Try that these days, you'd be in trouble
Geeks would try to smack you with a shovel

Praise be to Jesus
Praise be to Magic Woody Allen Zombie Jesus
Magic Woody Allen Zombie Jesus!

Jesus ascend into heaven
He was an incredible guy
You don't often find fellas that fly
Desappeared right into the sky

And only once did he use his ability
With a great power comes great responsibility

Praise be to Jesus
Praise be to Magic Woody Allen Zombie Superman Jesus
Jesus!

Jesus' mother gave birth to him
Without having sex with a dude
No, she would never be that rude
Never even being nude with the dude

Breeding without the opposite gender is
Commonly known as parthenogenesis
Other animals that don't need males
Include a lot of lizards, and various snails

Praise be to Jesus
Praise be to Magic Woody Allen Zombie
Superman Komodo Dragon Jesus
Jesus!

Jesus can communicate with the deceased
Like Psychic Sally
Jesus lives forever, which is pretty odd
But not as odd as his fetish for drinking blood
Jesus is in more than one place at a time
Like an electron or Schrödinger's feline
Jesus pulled off that water walking miracle
He was as handy as an amphibious vehicle
Jesus had bare feet, long hair and a beard
Look, I'm not saying it's me
I'm not saying that I am Jesus
I'm not saying that I am Jesus
I am Jesus!

Praise be to Jesus
Praise be to Woody Allen Jesus
Woody Allen Jesus!
Praise be to Magic Woody Allen Zombie
Superman Komodo Dragon Telepathic
Vampire Quantum Hovercraft Me Jesus!